Honey, I'm Home

 Two men were at the Casino and were just leaving to go home at 3:00 a.m.
Man1: You know what I hate about this? When I go home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I go to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.
Man2: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home," run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love, woman?" She never even moves.

 

A Dime of Luck

 Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas. He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars. Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on  the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man he would share his fortune with him. After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime." "You're not the one I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"

 

10 Signs You Are Obsessed With Online Gambling

 1. You go to a hockey game and wonder what happened to the dealers and boxman.
2. When an ambulance passes with flashing lights, you assume someone hit a "hand pay."
3. When your kid says math "came easy" today, you ask if it was a 4,6,8 or 10.
4. You go into a shoe store and ask if they have 4, 6, or 8 deck.
5. When your English professor says the author made his point; you ask if he pressed or not.
6. You hear the bible story where Lazarus is told to "Come out", and you ask for a 2-way C & E.
7. You show up early at the bakery to take advantage of the hot rolls.
8. You wonder if a salad shooter is really a gambling device.
9. When the bartender asks if you want a "double", you say not against an ace.
10. You go into a 7-11 and ask to play the "don't."

 

African Roulette

 President Clinton was being entertained by an African leader. They'd spent the day discussing what the country had received from the Russians before the new government kicked them out. "The Russians built us a power plant, a highway, and an airport. We learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette. President Clinton frowned. "Russian roulette is a dangerous game!" The African leader smiled. "That's why we developed African roulette. If you want to have good relations with our country, you'll have to play. I'll show you how." He pushed a buzzer, and in paraded a half dozen, magnificently built women who immediate shrugged off their garb. "You can choose any one of those women to give you oral sex," he told Clinton. As you can well imagine, THIS got Clinton's immediate attention, and he was ready to make his choice, when a thought occurred to him. "How is this related to Russian roulette?" The African leader smiled evilly, leaned towards Clinton and in a soft, even voice said "One of them is a cannibal."